Dark Roman Wine, and Awakenings in the Shower

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I always seem to do my best thinking either in the shower or as I am just about to fall asleep. There’s something about the water beating down on me and the close, warm, slightly darkened quarters that prompts deep moments of reflection. It is in these moments that I have made life-altering, soul-changing realizations.

While taking a quiet moment this morning, listening to Snow Patrol’s Dark Roman Wine, I suddenly heard a small, almost childlike voice in my head repeating the lyrics back to me, like a mantra for the day ahead: I will hang on the hook of your splendor, As the night rolls us up in its arms, And the square of your thumbs and your fingers, Is the blanket of sky that’s so warm…An incredible song by Snow Patrol, to be sure, and a beautiful message to start the day.

Listening to the arrangement below, from Royal Albert Hall in 2009, with it’s haunting organ accompanied to Gary Lightbody`s electrifying voice, I can’t help but close my eyes. As the song builds (The wind shakes the branches above us, And the cars shake the ground at our backs, But the dark roman wine in our bloodstreams, Makes the cold just a word, just a sound…), free of a heavily drummed climax, it rather drifts peacefully towards its end.

It was during my shower “meditation” this morning, that I made a not-so-sudden realization. Everything I have done thus far in my life has been to please (in one form or another) someone else; a parent, teacher, co-worker, employer, friend, boyfriend, etc. And, as a result, I have often felt inadequate, not good enough, and that I was in competition with those around me.

This was not my realization.

What I came to realize is this: The more time I spend alone with myself – in silence – the more I KNOW not only that I am good enough for the world around me, but that I am actually a force of positive energy for the universe!

Just over a year ago, I was overwrought with anxiety and stresses, I couldn’t stand to be alone with myself in a room without the TV on or music playing. I was so trapped within myself, I didn’t know up from down, left from right. Going through the motions of daily life, I was spiraling, content with mediocrity. And then the bottom fell out. My relationship ended suddenly, and I was alone again. I had two choices: (ONE) Live the victim “why does everything always happen to me?”  -OR- (TWO) Grieve, accept the cards I was dealt, and try to move on.

I chose TWO

Pulling yourself up is never an easy task, it’s sometimes more overwhelming than the fall. When I got up (and it was a slooooooooooooooowwwwwwww, and still on-going process), I felt more like me than ever before. I’ve embraced my spirituality. Some days I talk to God, others I talk to myself through meditation. Every day is an opportunity for learning. I am learning how to be on my own, and how to do big, exciting, sometimes scary things on my own, embracing the life I was given.

Writing this post to you now, I am surrounded by the gentle humming of my computer, the clicking of my fingers on the keyboard, my own breath, the imaginary sound of my laundry tumbling in dryer next door, and I am filled with peace.

I am alone in my own company and it is peaceful.

Peace and Love to you all,
Mandixoxox 

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